Kate's Closure
by girlnextdoor14
Summary: When Kate Fitzgerald realizes it's time to get past her sister Anna's death, she goes on a trip to finish things and start anew.
1. Chapter 1

Kate:

"So how was your day?" Mom asked quietly. She stood in my doorway and watched as I rolled over on my bed to face her.

"Eh," I mumbled as I sat up and kicked off my ballet slippers. "The usual. I taught my students how to do arabesques today."

Mom smiled a little wistfully and moved to sit down next to me. At the last second, I tossed my sweater into her seat so she couldn't sit. She backed off respectfully, but I couldn't help feeling a little bad. I just wasn't in the mood for a mother-daughter bonding session today.

"You always wanted to be a dancer," she said.

"I know," I replied, glancing at my slippers, which were gathered in a heap on the floor. "Never thought I'd do it because of the APL."

We were quiet for a moment at the mention of my old cancer. I felt my cheeks flush as I hazarded a glance at my mother. She was beautiful, but there was something very old and tired about her eyes that made her seem unattractive. I couldn't imagine a time when Mom hadn't looked sad. Even when everything was good, she was always scared for the next big emergency. I guessed it was because she'd seen death enough to realize we weren't invincible.

"Well," Mom said.

"Well," I said back.

"Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Will you come down to set the table? We're having pasta tonight."

"Uh. . .sure. Is Dad home yet?"

Mom shook her head, letting a few strands of her shiny brunette hair slip out of her low ponytail. "Another ambulance call." She sighed, then said in a more optimistic tone, "But Jesse's going to be home for dinner tonight."

I felt myself brighten a little. Jesse wasn't home often, ever since he found an apartment of his own. Lately, I'd been pining for some of his pranks and dry humor. I stood up and smoothed my wispy blond hair, then followed Mom downstairs to the kitchen.

Feeling lighter, I turned on some of the jazzy dance music I played for my ballet students and danced along while I set our places. Mom smiled and laughed as she drained the pasta, and if I squinted, I could see her bob her head to the beat. "Come on, I'll teach you the steps!" I beckoned to Mom and grinned.

Mom laughed again and shook her head. "I'm not much of a dancer," she said.

I felt a tiny stab of disappointment, but willed myself to let it go. "What kinds of dances did you do back in your day?" I asked, trying to make conversation. "You know, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth?"

Mom set the drained pasta aside to cool and began to absentmindedly stir the tomato sauce. "Let's see. . ." She looked to be deep in thought. "Have you ever heard of the Macarena?"

I wrinkled my nose in disgust. "Sadly, yes," I replied.

Mom smiled and put her hands out in front of her. I giggled as she started to dance, flipping her hands over and over. When she wiggled her hips, I joined in. We danced facing north, east, south, and west. Soon we were in a fit of giggles, barely able to move without doubling over with laughter. I leaned against the counter and sighed, "Boy, if Anna could see us now. . ."

Suddenly, the kitchen fell silent, and I realized I'd said the wrong thing again. It was always happening. I screwed up everyone's life: first with cancer, then with my stupid comments. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I turned back to folding the napkins.

Sometimes I was able to believe that I was moving on with my life, that I was finally forgetting Anna's death. But there was no forgetting. I could convince myself that everything was okay, I could pretend I was having fun. But just when I wasn't expecting it, the littlest things about Anna came back to haunt me.

_ _ _ _ _

_Hi everyone! This is my first fanfic ever. I'm definitely going to keep updating this story with new chapters, so please review my story! I would appreciate helpful comments only! No mean comments please._

_-girlnextdoor14_


	2. Chapter 2

Kate:

Mom and I worked in silence until we heard voices echoing in the garage. We both looked up expectantly as the door creaked open, revealing Jesse and Dad. They blinked at us with happy grins on their faces, both still laughing from something that'd been said. "Look who I ran into on my way in!" Dad said, waving a hand toward Jesse.

Jesse smiled and held out his arms to me. "Hey sis," he said. "You look good."

I hugged him back, relieved to break the heavy quiet that lingered in the kitchen. "Don't flatter me," I replied wryly. "I'm a stick. I haven't bulked up since the transplant."

Jesse's smile twitched a little at the mention of my transplant, but he said nothing. Instead, he ruffled my curly hair and moved on to hug Mom.

Dad threw his coat over his chair. "Hey Kate," he said. "How were your dance classes?"

"Eh," I said, repeating what I had told Mom earlier. "The usual. I taught my students how to do arabesques today."

"That's great, Kate!" Dad exclaimed with cheesy enthusiasm. He hugged me, a light squeeze to my shoulders. It was like he thought if he held me the wrong way, I would shatter. I wrapped my arms around him tightly to prove to him I wasn't the china doll I used to be.

Feeling awkward, I broke the embrace a moment later and turned around to stir the pasta sauce absently. Mom interrupted one of Jesse's funny stories to say, "Kate, what are you doing? The pasta sauce is ready. If you simmer it any longer, it'll burn."

"Oh," I mumbled, feeling slow and stupid. "Duh. Sorry." I pasted a grin on my face and pulled out the dishes.

Jesse leaned in and took a big whiff of the pasta. "Mm. Smells amazing. Thanks for having me over, guys. This sure beats Chinese take-out."

Mom smiled and dumped a spoonful of penne onto Jesse's plate. "Of course, we'd love to have you over anytime! This house is too big for us anyway. If you ever want to move back in. . ."

Jesse shook his head too fast. "No thanks."

We sat down, listening to Jesse tell another story. I watched him as he spoke. He'd changed for the better since the accident. He didn't drink or smoke weed or set buildings on fire anymore. He smiled more often. He'd forgiven Mom and Dad for pushing him to the backseat while I was sick. He'd been sad, but he'd gotten over Anna's death.

And I couldn't.

"Kate?"

I glanced up, hearing my name. "Yuh-huh?"

It was Jesse. "I said, how's dance for you? Got any hot students?"

I rolled my eyes at him and chucked a wad of napkin at him. "I only teach little kids, dorkwad."

Jesse winked. "Whatever. You just let me know if you, you know, see anyone cute?"

"How about never?" I retorted. "When you have to ask your sister to set you up with a chick, you need professional help."

Jesse laughed. "All right, all right." He shoveled another bite of pasta into his mouth. His eyes locked on something across the table, halting him mid-chew. Swallowing quickly, he asked, "Are we expecting more company?"

The permanent crease between Mom's eyebrows deepened. "No. . ." she said slowly.

We followed his gaze across the table. Another empty place mat was sitting in front of an empty seat. It took my a moment to realize that I had set a place for Anna.

_____

_Hey, it's me again! Hope you like the story. I'll be getting to the point any chapter now. Keep reading and reviewing!_

_-girlnextdoor14_


	3. Chapter 3

Kate:

Everyone stared at the empty seat in silence. I felt my face grow hotter and hotter until I thought I was going to explode from equal parts embarrassment, anger, and grief. I couldn't imagine why I had forgotten something so huge like Anna's death.

Finally, I stood up quickly, so fast that my chair skidded on the hardwood and fell backwards. I kicked it out of my way and ran to my room in a flurry of tears. Knowing that someone like Dad or Jesse would probably follow me up to comfort me, I slammed the door behind me and locked it.

I collapsed on my bed. A sharp stab of pain shot up my arm when I landed on it the wrong way, but I ignored it and sobbed into my pillow.

How stupid could I get? I was so idiotic. When was I going to stop screwing up everyone's life? When was I going to move on?

I thought back to when I was sick and had wanted to kill myself. I couldn't remember how many times I had tried to end my life, my hand shaking as I held the bottle of sleeping pills. It seemed so easy. It sounds pathetic, but I thought it was a fix for all of my problems. Maybe it would fix my problems now.

No. Not now, not never.

I buried my face in my pillow, as if that would bury the terrible memories of those times. I had too much to think about now than suicide.

A knock on my door interrupted my flashbacks. I sat up sharply and yelled, "Go away!"

"It's Jesse. Can we talk?"

"Screw you!" I retorted. "Go away!"

I heard Jesse sigh loudly. There was a rustling, and the sound of metal scratching metal. Jesse was picking my lock. I harrumphed and flopped back onto my bed, suddenly annoyed.

The door swung open a second later, revealing Jesse. He closed the door behind him. "Hey," he said, holding up the paper clip and grinning.

"Damn it, I forgot you could do that," I muttered.

Jesse's smile faded gradually to a serious expression, and he sat down on the foot of my bed. I considered kicking him off my bed, but felt too exhausted to do more than snuffle occasionally.

"Kate," he began. He was hesitant as he moved his hand to rest it comfortingly on my calf. "It's okay."

I abruptly pushed myself up into a sitting position and threw his hand off me. "I forgot about my stupid dead sister and everything is _okay? _Are you freaking serious?" I said venomously, glaring at him.

Jesse stared me down, causing me to flush and glance at my hands sheepishly.

"Kate, no one hates you down there. You're still recovering from the accident. We get it! Now would you please come down and finish dinner?" He glanced at the door rather anxiously.

"No."

"Kate. I told the mental 'rentals that I'd bring you downstairs."

My vision went red for a moment as my head clouded with anger. "So that's what this is all about? You wanna kiss up to Sarah and Brian?" I shouted.

"Shh!" Jesse hushed me quickly. "Don't call them by their first names. It's not polite."

"What do you know about polite?" I lunged at Jesse and shoved him hard. "I bet you don't even care that Anna is dead! I bet you're glad! Without her, you get to be the level-headed child. Who's next on your hit list, the crazy cancerous sister?"

I pushed him again, but this time he was ready for it. His hands latched onto my wrists and held me tight. I struggled to free myself, which only made him hold on tighter. When I felt my hands go numb, I stopped fighting and looked at him.

His face was not the angry mask I'd expected. There was a sad look in his eyes, one I'd never seen before. My heart almost broke in two to see him like that. I could take it when he was mad, but his sadness was another story.

"Look here, Kate," he hissed. "I may have spent a lot of my time doing bad stuff when I was younger, but that doesn't make me any less sad to see Anna go. Just because you have her kidney inside of you doesn't give you the right to start accusing me of not feeling upset about our sister. You hear me?"

I nodded. Suddenly a tear slid down my cheek. I tried to wipe it away on my shoulder, but it was quickly replaced by another one. And another, and another, and another. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I mused over the fact that I couldn't keep my emotions in check.

Jesse's big, rough hands let go of my wrists and pulled me into a big hug. More tears streamed from my eyes. I cried so hard I was almost laughing, but nothing was funny. The top of my head felt damp, and I realized that Jesse was crying too. He wiped the evidence away as fast as he could, stroking my curls like it was nothing.

After a few minutes, I felt like I'd cried out every tear in my body. I pulled away from the embrace and mumbled, "I feel like I'm on this emotional roller coaster that never stops."

Jesse smiled slightly. "I know what you mean. It's like puberty, only ten times worse."

"Exactly!" I said. I studied Jesse's face, which was soft with concern and worry. "Jesse?"

"Yeah?"

"If I said I wanted to go on a kind of road trip, would you go with me?"

Jesse pretended to ponder this for a moment. "That depends. Are you driving to Hawaii?"

"Hawaii's an island, Einstein," I retorted. "I only mean, if I wanted to get some kind of closure. Maybe visit Anna's grave. Or go back to the old hospital. You know, that kind of thing." I paused and glanced up at Jesse nervously.

"Kate. . ." Jesse began, "are you sure you want to do this? It might be kinda. . .hard for you. Like, emotionally."

"I'm sure," I said firmly. "I know this won't be easy. But what other choice do I have?"

Jesse nodded and smiled in his goofy brotherly way. "Whatever you want, sis."

___

_Hey everyone! The story is kicking into high gear now. Please read and review, I want to know what you think. Please, no mean comments, just constructive criticism if you can._

_-girlnextdoor14_


	4. Chapter 4

Kate:

Jesse, always the patient brother, let me wallow in my own puddle of snot for another minute as I tried to collect my thoughts. I still felt overwhelmed by the whole night's events. Life was never going to let me catch a break.

"Kate," Jesse said finally, "I think we should go downstairs now."

I was feeling lighter ever since Jesse had agreed to take me on a road trip, but the thought of going downstairs to the kitchen- the scene of the crime- was enough to bring me back down to the bottom of the abyss again.

Still, I stood and wiped my nose on my sleeve carelessly, in no mood to argue.

Jesse lead me to the kitchen, peeking over his shoulder periodically to make sure I was still there. I followed him closely, hiding behind his wide back like a shy toddler. I ignored the fact that the only thing I had to hide from was myself.

As soon as we entered the kitchen, Mom and Dad glanced up at us. A silent grief hung around us, whispering in my ears. The night had really gone to pieces when I left.

"Well," Jesse said, "It's getting late. I really should go before it gets dark. You all know how bad I am at driving at night."

Dad stood up quickly. "You can stay if you like. Sarah could pull out the sofa bed," he offered halfheartedly.

Jesse shook his head. "No thanks. I prefer a real mattress to a sofa bed. Maybe another time," he replied with a warm smile.

Dad shrugged. "If that's what you want," he said, looking almost relieved.

Jesse hugged Dad in that quick, awkward way that guys do. They performed the obligatory hand shake and hearty slap of the shoulder, all the while pretending that everything was fine and that Kate hadn't screwed up for the thousandth time in her life.

Mom allowed Jesse one small hug. She looked small and weak compared to her son. I noticed with a wave of shame that her eyes were red from crying and her hair was tangled and flat. She was still beautiful, no doubt, but you had to squint to see it through the misery.

"So," Jesse said. "Kate, can I talk to you real quick?"

"Sure," I said, and we walked to the front porch. It was getting cold outside. I shivered and wrapped my arms around my torso.

Jesse shut the door after us. "Kate, I know you want to do this road trip-thing, but when are we going to do it? I'm sorry to say this, but I don't have all the time in the world. And neither do you."

"I don't know," I said, staring down the wet, empty street. "I want to do it as soon as possible. Whenever you're available is fine."

"Don't you have a job?"

_Oh yeah. _"Yes, but it's okay. They'll cut me some slack- they have to."

Jesse stared at me, his forehead crinkled with concern. "If you're sure. . ."

"I am."

"Okay," he said. "Could I pick you up tomorrow morning?"

I pretended to think it over, even though I would've agreed with anything he said. "I guess we'll have to cram his whole thing into one weekend. . .yeah, it'll work. Tomorrow morning."

Jesse ran his long fingers through his curly brown hair. "All right. See you then."

"Okay. See you." I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and turned to let myself inside.

"Wait." Jesse grabbed my arm to hold me back. "Kate, you're not gonna run off without telling, are you? Because I'm not gonna take you anywhere if Mom and Dad don't know about it. That's my deal."

I glanced down at his pale hand clutching my elbow. I felt my lungs contract just a little, and I had to breathe deep to clear my head.

"Kate?"

"No."

"No, _what?_" he prompted.

"No, I'm not gonna disappear without telling Mom and Dad first."

Jesse nodded approvingly and let me go. When had he turned into my mother? I would've been better off asking my cranky old boss to take me on a road trip.

"Night, Kate," he said with that sideways grin of his.

"Night, Jesse."

___

_Yay! Everything is finally getting exciting now! I can't wait to start the next chapter. Please read and review this story for me!_

_-girlnextdoor14_


	5. Chapter 5

Kate:

As soon as Jesse drove away, I went inside to clear and wash all the dishes. I figured that messing up your family's lives really cramped your karma, so doing the chores was sure to help put my karma in the black.

I heard Mom sniffing and blowing her nose in the bathroom, and turned on the water extra-hard so I wouldn't have to listen to her. No one wants to hear hear their mother cry, and that doesn't change whether you're old, young, or sick with cancer.

A few minutes later, as I was scrubbing away at a particularly tough tomato sauce stain, Dad came into the kitchen. I saw him leaning against the door frame and stared at him from the corner of my eye.

"Hi," Dad said, smiling.

"Hi," I said. Briefly, I wondered why he could smile at his daughter, who had made one of the biggest screw-ups of her life earlier.

"Mind if I help?" he asked, gesturing to the sinkful of soapy dishes.

"Uh. . .sure," I said.

Dad smiled again and picked up a sponge. I watched him as he scoured away the tomato sauce stain as if it were soft as butter. I picked up a plate and scratched at a crusty bit of pasta.

"Do you want to talk about what happened at dinner?" Dad asked quietly a minute later.

I froze, not knowing how to answer. What was I supposed to say? I knew he wanted me to come rushing into his arms, crying and pouring my little heart out. Then we could have a big, soul-cleansing talk and go on as if nothing had happened.

But that's not how I did it. That's how Anna did it, and I wasn't Anna.

"Hello?"

I jolted out of my thoughts. "Huh?" I said stupidly. "Uh, no. Not really."

"Okay," Dad whispered. I waited for him to say something more, but apparently that was all he had to say.

I stood with my hands in the hot soap-water for a moment. I realized I was mad that Dad could give up on me like that so easily, and a few seconds later I tore off my rubber gloves and walked upstairs. I didn't turn around to check, but I was sure Dad wasn't even looking at me.

I sighed as I flopped onto my bed. My eyes fluttered closed. Sleep danced in front of me, so close I could almost reach out and bring it upon me, but it wouldn't come. I curled into a little ball, annoyed. I wanted to sleep, and to dream of a place better than this.

But tomorrow that would change, wouldn't it? Tomorrow I would find that better place. Filled with hope, I sat up to stare at my reflection in my mirror, but saw Mom standing in front of me instead. I almost gasped in surprise, but stopped myself in time.

"Kate," she said softly.

"How did you get in here so quietly?" I asked.

Mom shrugged and sat down on the foot of my bed. This time I didn't throw a sweater over her seat to stop her. She sighed though her nose and traced the embroidery on my quilt. Finally she said, "I have to go to the library tomorrow to pick up a book for your dad. Do you want to come?"

"Uh. . ." I mumbled. "No. Sorry."

"Oh," Mom said. Looking rather deflated, she stood up and smoothed her rumpled clothes. "Good night, Kate," she said, and started to leave the room.

"Wait," I called out just before she disappeared out the door.

She peered around the door. "Yes?"

"Actually," I began hesitantly, "I have plans for tomorrow. I'm going on a road trip with Jesse, and he's going to drive me. And, um, don't freak out if I'm not home for dinner tomorrow night, or the night after that, because I don't know how long a road trip will take. Is that. . .okay?"

Mom heaved a sigh. "Okay."

I goggled at her a moment. _That was easy._ "Uh. . .okay." I kicked myself mentally. Because I still lived at home, I sometimes forgot I was an adult and didn't have to ask my parents' permission for every little thing. Then again, having cancer sure changes your definition of normal.

I watched Mom leave before throwing myself over my bed and falling asleep in my day clothes.

___

The next morning, I woke up with jitters running up and down my arms and legs. Today was going to change things.

I showered and changed into my most comfortable pair of jeans and a T-shirt, then walked downstairs to wait for Jesse. When I walked into the kitchen, Dad was already there. I paused for a moment on the threshold. I wasn't sure if Dad was angry about me ditching him last night, and I didn't want to find out. I almost turned around and ran back upstairs, but stopped myself. I couldn't run away from everything.

I marched into the kitchen and stood across the table from Dad. "I'm sorry," I said simply.

Dad looked up, a confused look on his face. "Sorry for what?" he asked.

_Huh? So he's not mad after all_. "Uh. . .for last night," I mumbled. "Look, never mind."

Dad shrugged and turned back to his newspaper and coffee just as the doorbell rang. I raced to answer it, knowing it would be Jesse on the other side of the door.

"Jesus, it's only eight in the morning. Who would be ringing at this time on a Saturday?" Dad grumbled, standing up and shuffling to my side.

"That's my ride," I said, giving him a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. "See ya, Dad. Give Mom a hug for me."

"Where. . .?"

"I'll call to explain later. Now I gotta run. Bye, Dad!" I wrenched open the door and skipped outside.

Jesse was waiting in his beat-up pickup truck. He grinned when he saw me and yelled, "Come on! This truck waits for no one!"

I slid into the passenger seat. "Thanks for giving me a ride, Jesse," I said, pulling my fingers through my knotted blond curls. "I could've driven myself, but. . .you know. . ."

"Right," Jesse replied. "So where to first, sis?"

I took a deep breath and let it out, surprised to hear the air rattle nervously in my lungs. "The salon."

Jesse raised his eyebrows at me, but said nothing. We drove away in silence. I didn't bother to look back at the house receding into the distance.

___

_Hey guys! I'm really excited to be writing this story! Please read and review this chapter. Again, no mean comments, just helpful ones!_

_-girlnextdoor14_


	6. Chapter 6

Kate:

Jesse pulled his old Ford into a parking space at the salon. It looked so out of place surrounded by all the shiny silver cars of rich clients.

I unbuckled my seatbelt and hopped out of the car. I stopped to calm myself before I went inside, feeling thrills of nervousness drum through my body. Jesse leaned over and asked gently, "You want me to come in with you?"

My head snapped up, and I stared into his sweet, brotherly brown eyes before answering, "No."

Jesse blinked and sat up with a shrug. "Okay. I'll. . .uh, be here. See you soon?"

"Okay." I frowned at the gravel underneath my feet. "Okay. See you." I held up a hand to wave goodbye, but felt too tired to do anything with it, so after a second, I let it flop down by my side limply.

I walked to the salon entrance and hauled open the big door. I was assaulted by the strong scents of heavy-duty shampoos and smelly perm solutions. I resisted the urge to pinch my nostrils shut as I walked to the front desk.

The receptionist had big, frizzy hair that was sprinkled with gaudy clips and finished off with about three cans of hairspray. I found myself wondering how she they let her work at a salon with hair like that.

The receptionist, despite her terrible hair, seemed to think she was queen. She looked me up and down, taking in my casual jeans-and-tee ensemble. Then she stared at me, smirking. Her eyes conveyed a very clear message.

I tucked my hands into my back pockets so I wouldn't slap her across the face. "I, uh, need a haircut?" I said.

"Obviously," she mumbled under her breath. "Do you have an appointment?"

_Dang._ "Uh, no," I said. "I forgot to make one."

The receptionist raised her eyebrows at me. "Well?" she said in a snotty tone. "What do you want me to do about it?"

_I don't know, but I know what I want to do. . .to you. _I took a deep breath and held back my retorts, instead saying, "I don't know. Can you check for an opening or something?"

The receptionist sighed and made a few impatient clicks on her computer. "You're in luck," she said. "Tracy has an opening right now. Can you take that time?"

"Sure," I said.

The receptionist called Tracy to tell her she had a new client. I squirmed in an uncomfortable plastic armchair, silently cursing. Would it be too late to escape this place with Jesse?

Suddenly, a shadow fell upon me, halting my thoughts. I looked up to see a very large, plump woman with a bleach-blond poof of hair standing in front of me. She grinned down at me and said, "Well, well, look what we've got!" I noticed she had a Southern accent.

I blinked at her stupidly for a moment. It took me a minute to realize she was my hair stylist, Tracy. I quickly stood up and smoothed down my T-shirt. "Hi," I said.

"Howdy! You must be Kate. Nice to meet you," she replied, grabbing my hand and shaking it. When I pulled my hand away, my fingers had gone white. "Follow me, Kate."

I trailed after the woman, my heart thudding in anticipation. She sat me down in her seat and stared at me, like she was sizing me up. I was reminded very vividly of the witch in _Hansel and Gretel. _And this woman looked hungry.

"You have such beautiful curls," Tracy drawled. "Why would you ever want to cut them?"

I shrugged, feeling blood pulse through my veins.

Tracy clucked and swiveled the chair around a couple times, then spun me so we were both looking at the vanity mirror. She ran her fingers through my hair. "So tell me, honey, what were you planning of doing to your hair? There a certain cut you want? We could cut it so it slopes around your face. Real cute."

"Actually. . ." I began. I let out a shaky breath, unable to believe I was really going to do this. "Actually, I want you to. . .shave it."

Tracy's eyes went huge, and she frowned. "_Shave_ it? Like, like. . .all the way off? All of it?"

I shut my eyes tight and nodded.

A suspicious tone crept into Tracy's voice. "This isn't a joke, is it? 'Cause I don't like jokes."

I took a deep breath. "No. It's not a joke."

Tracy sighed. "Okay."

"Okay."

___

Ten minutes later, I walked into the parking lot with a bright red bandana tied around my bare head. The sun blared at me, so difference from the dim mood lighting in the salon. I shaded my eyes and walked to Jesse's car.

I opened the door and slid into my seat in one swift motion. Jesse, startled by my sudden entrance, jumped about three feet in the air. "Kate!" he said breathlessly. Then he saw my bald head and frowned. "Kate. . ."

I glared at him. "What?" I snapped.

He reached his hand up and touched his curly hair. "Your curls."

"Gone," I said.

"But why?" he asked.

I pursed my lips. I didn't know how to answer that one. I didn't _want_ to answer that one. My eyes felt wet, and a tear pooled and fell onto my lap. I brushed it away quickly. I didn't want to cry, not on this road trip. This trip was supposed to make me feel happy. To give me closure.

And look what was happening now.

Jesse hugged me tightly. I snaked my arms around his neck, never wanting to let go.

___

_That's all for now, folks! Please read on. I'll try to update soon. Again, read and review this chapter please!_

_girlnextdoor14_


	7. Chapter 7

Kate:

_I was having a dream. _

_ It began at the hospital prom I had attended with my boyfriend, Taylor. I remembered it well, down to the disgusting fruit punch they served and the color of the corsage Taylor gave me. Taylor made me feel so beautiful._

_ In my dream, I wandered around aimlessly, taking in the dancing couples and the soft music and the dim lighting. At first, it was nice to just breathe and enjoy the dance. But soon I was feeling impatient. Where was Taylor?_

_ I found him in a corner, dancing with a tall, thin girl with a surgical mask concealing most of her face. It took me a moment to realize that the tall, thin girl was me. It felt weird to see myself from the outside. I wondered if I looked so bone-thin and pale to everyone, or if I was I just overly critical of myself.  
_

_ I saw Taylor close in slowly. I remembered this. This was the part where he kissed me._

_ I watched with excitement as Taylor pulled away the surgical mask. I leaned in, wanting to see the look on my face as he kissed me. I saw a grin grow on my face before I realized. . .that wasn't _my_ face. Taylor was dancing with another girl._

_ He was dancing with Anna, my sister._

_____

I jolted awake, my whole body tensing.

My heart was pounding like a wild drumbeat, tapping out an irregular tune. I had to concentrate to keep my breathing normal.

Jesse said something, but I couldn't hear him past the deafening sound of blood roaring in my ears. I clenched my fists and squeezed my eyes shut until my body cleared its system of the adrenaline.

"Kate?!" Jesse was yelling. "I saw you tense up. Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?"

I shifted in my seat until I was facing the window, my back to Jesse. I sighed and said, "Just a bad dream."

There was a silence. "Oh." Jesse turned off the radio, which had been all static anyway. "Do you want to tell me what it was about?"

_And further prove my mental unstableness? _"No," I whispered.

Jesse sighed through his nose. "Okay. But if you ever want to talk about it. . ."

I nodded and rested my head against the cold glass window. I loved that Jesse was looking after me, but sometimes his big-brother act was tiring.

I thought again of my dream. What had it meant? Was it some sort of sign? What was I afraid of, that Taylor and Anna were hooking up somewhere in Heaven? Somehow, I didn't think that was a problem.

Well, whatever the dream meant, it had shaken me up pretty well. My body was running on nervous energy. I turned on the radio again and fiddled with the different stations, but decided the music was bothering me and turned it off. I played with the heat and air-conditioning just to keep my hands moving.

Finally, Jesse pulled into a vacant parking lot. He turned off the engine and rested a hand on mine, stopping me in my tracks. "What are you doing?" he asked.

I looked up at him. "What do you mean?"

Jesse raised his eyebrows ever so slightly. "You know what I mean. Getting restless. Smearing your fingerprints all over my dashboard, which I _just polished_, by the way."

I shrugged. "Sorry. I guess I'm just hungry," I lied. I sat on my hands so I wouldn't wave them in the air as I spoke. Glancing around at our surroundings, I asked, "So where are you taking us now?"

"To the cemetery."

"To the. . .oh." I swallowed. "To. . . Anna's grave. Okay, then."

Jesse bent over to look into my eyes. He cupped my chin in his big, rough hand and asked gently, "Do you want me to take you home?"

_Of _course_ I want you to take me home, you idiot, _I said telepathically. _This is one of the scariest things I've done in my life, including the cancer! I'm _scared!

But I didn't dare say it out loud. I was going to see this through, and it didn't matter if the sky was falling- nothing was going to stop me.

"No."

"Positive?" Jesse asked.

"Yes."

"_Absolutely_ positive?" Jesse asked, grinning.

I laughed. "Jesse!" I scolded, slapping him playfully in the arm. "Shut up and drive!"

___

_I'm already excited for the next chapter!_

_A big shout-out to everyone who encourages me to write more- I'm so grateful! You all inspire me to write stories like this!_

_Read and review, please!_

_-girlnextdoor14_


	8. Chapter 8

Kate:

I kept my eyes straight ahead as Jesse's old Ford rumbled into the cemetery parking lot. I knew if I looked at the passing tombstones even for a minute, I would lose it.

Jesse parked and unbuckled his seatbelt. "You ready?" he asked, looking at me.

I nodded, unable to open my mouth to speak.

Simultaneously, we took a deep breath. It would've been funny if I wasn't so jumpy.

I slid out of my seat, keeping my head down. Jesse silently fell in step next to me. I concentrated on the crunch of gravel beneath my thin-soled sneakers, the steady rhythm matching the thud of my heartbeat.

I was scared. I didn't know what to do. This was my one time to finally let her go, and I was going to blow it. Why hadn't I bothered to think up a speech or something? Wouldn't Anna have liked a speech? I know I would.

Without thinking, I slipped my hand into Jesse's. When I realized how stupid and childish it was, I almost pulled away, but Jesse only squeezed my hand comfortingly- he was as scared as I was. I felt the rough calluses on his thumbs, so closely resembling our father's weathered hands.

Jesse led me through the rows of gravestones. The corners of my eyes caught glimpses of names and epitaphs. I briefly wondered how one went about thinking up epitaphs. I tried to recall whether there was an epitaph on Anna's grave, but the memories of the funeral were too grief-stricken to make any sense.

Suddenly Jesse ground to a halt. "Campbell?" he asked hoarsely.

I looked up, startled. A tall, handsome man stood quietly in front of Anna's grave, an imposing figure among the chalky-white stones.

"It's Campbell," Jesse whispered. "What is he doing?"

The man turned around abruptly, an expression of shock arranged comically on his face. Recognition dawned on him a moment later. "Jesse Fitzgerald," he said.

"Hello, Campbell," Jesse said, holding out his hand to shake. Campbell shook it absently. "Why are you here?"

Campbell ran a hand over his smooth black hair. "Uh, Julia and I were just driving by the cemetery and decided to stop in to pay our respects. We weren't planning on staying for more than five minutes." He glanced over at me and nodded in greeting. I noticed for the first time that his seizure dog, Judge, was sniffing around at the base of his feet.

At the mention of Julia, Jesse's eyes went soft. "Oh. . .is Julia here right now?" he asked in a casual tone.

I smirked. Jesse had been fantasizing over Julia for years.

Campbell was oblivious to the real meaning of Jesse's words. "Yes. She just went to the car for a moment. . .she'll be back in a minute or two."

As if on cue, Julia appeared on the horizon. As she ran closer, my eye caught a bouquet of flowers in her hand. "Hey Campbell, I got the flowers," she yell-whispered, as though she was afraid that if she talked too loud, she'd disturb something.

Julia glanced over to Jesse and me, then did a double-take. "Kate," she said.

I waved.

Julia's gaze wavered on Jesse for a moment, then she folded her arms over her chest, her mouth set in a perfectly straight line. "Hello, Jesse," she said politely.

Jesse just stared. I worried about him making a fool of himself and elbowed him in the ribs. "Uh. . .uh. . .hi," he said. His face burned plum-red. It must have been the first time in his life he couldn't think up a pick-up line.

Campbell rested an arm across Julia's shoulders, almost protectively.

"So," I said.

"So," Julia replied. "We haven't seen you in quite a while. How are you? How are Sarah and Brian?"

"We're. . .coping," I said. "Why don't we take a walk, and I can fill you in on the latest? If you don't have somewhere to go, I mean."

Julia looked up hesitantly at Campbell, who shrugged and smiled. She glanced back at me and said, "Of course. Campbell, you want to come?"

Campbell looked reluctant. "I'm sorry," he said. "I have a few more things I'd like to say." He nodded to Anna's gravestone.

I nodded and joined Julia, who reached out an arm to guide me. Jesse looked incredibly nervous to be walking next to the object of his daydreams. I quickly shooed him back. "Why don't you stay here with Campbell. . ." _. . .before you feel pressured to put the moves on Julia? _He seemed relieved to have an excuse.

Julia and I walked down a row of graves in silence. When we turned the corner and began to stroll down another row, Julia said gently, "How is your dancing job?"

I glanced at her, surprised. "Uh. . .it's great," I replied. "How did you know about that?"

Julia smiled. "Sarah told me."

"Okay. . ." I mumbled. I didn't bother to ask for details.

"And how is your family?" Julia asked.

I sighed, not wanting to get into that now. "We pretend she didn't exist."

Julia cocked her head, listening intently. "That bothers you," she said. "You don't think that your family should sweep that problem under the rug, do you?"

"No." I sighed again. "That's why I'm here. Jesse is taking me on a road trip so I can finish what I started. I want to start a new chapter. You understand, right?"

Julia nodded comfortingly. "I understand perfectly."

I smiled slightly. We walked in silence for another couple of rows, pretending that the whisper of wind in the trees didn't sound like Anna's breathy voice. Finally Julia said, "I noticed that you shaved your head."

I unconsciously reached up a hand to stroke my bald scalp. "Yep."

"Why?"

"Because. . .uh. . ." _Damn. _Why was it so hard to explain my reasons? "Because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do."

Julia nodded, comprehending. I suddenly felt like she was trying to evaluate me, like I was some therapy patient. I frowned at my feet. If someone was going to work their psychology voodoo on you, I felt they should ask your permission first.

"Does that make me a freak?" I blurted out. "You know, that I shaved my head for no other reason than I wanted to?"

Julia stared at me, taken aback by my outburst. I flushed red and looked away, embarrassed. Maybe she would get the message and drop it.

"Kate," Julia said sweetly, "you are not a freak. You went with your gut, and that's perfectly okay. I understand that you feel upset right now. Grief makes you do things that you wouldn't normally do."

"But," I said indignantly, "but I had this weird dream! I was at a hospital prom with my boyfriend, and we were about to kiss. And then I realized, he wasn't dancing with me. He was dancing with Anna! How messed up is that? I pictured my dead sister and my dead boyfriend hooking up!"

Julia watched me for a moment, then rested a slender hand on my shoulder. "Kate, you miss your boyfriend and you miss your sister. Your subconscious is bound to twist them up in your dreams. Your dream- it was weird, yes, but it's _just_ a dream."

Julia and I stood staring at each other for over a minute. She was right, of course. I realized Julia was always right.

Finally Julia broke the silence, saying, "Kate, don't be so quick to peg yourself as a freak."

I smiled rather sheepishly. "I promise." I crossed my heart and tried to change the subject. "I'm sorry I've been hogging this conversation. I tend to do that. What's new in your zoo?"

Julia laughed and blushed. "Well. . ." she began coyly. Something was up, and it was big.

I studied her face and noticed with a pang how beautiful Julia was. Her smooth olive skin, incredibly curly hair, bright smile. . .the reason Jesse had nursed a crush on her for so long. I grinned widely- I was sure something was going on between her and Campbell.

She pointed to a polished diamond ring on her finger. "Campbell asked me to marry him."

I gasped, appropriately. This was the best news I had heard in. . .well, forever. I enveloped Julia in a bone-crushing hug.

It felt good to share joy with someone close.

___

_Greetings, everyone! Sorry this is such a long chapter, I had a lot of information to cover in one segment. I really hope I'm not boring you!_

_Anyway, please read and review. Helpful comments are welcome! No rude or mean comments are allowed._

_-girlnextdoor14_


	9. Chapter 9

Kate:

After I squealed with Julia about her engagement, we turned around and headed back to meet Jesse and Campbell, our grins so harshly different from the solemn stones. I wondered if there would be a big wedding, or if it would be low-key. I wondered if we were invited.

As we approached Anna's grave, Jesse turned around and waved. Campbell was kneeling by Anna's gravestone. I glanced at Julia quickly before skipping ahead to meet my brother.

"How did it go?" Jesse asked in a whisper.

"Great!" I whispered back with a smile. "Did Campbell tell you he and Julia are engaged?"

Jesse's face went slack in surprise.

Before I could say anything else, Julia caught up to us. "Well, Campbell," she said, "it's probably time we left. Don't want to intrude, now do we?"

Campbell looked up and pushed himself to his feet. "Sorry for interrupting."

"It's okay," Jesse said.

Julia smacked Campbell on the back and said, "Come on, big guy, let's stop at Caribou. I'll buy you some coffee."

They turned to leave. At the last second, Julia and Campbell twisted around to wave goodbye. Jesse and I waved back, our hands limp with sudden exhaustion. I watched their little car drive away. Despite Jesse's presence, I felt lonely. Now that they were gone, the cemetery was much more formidable.

"Well," I said.

"So they're getting married?"

I inched closer to Jesse, hoping to comfort him. "Yes."

"Hmm." Jesse rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"You know, Campbell was really quiet today."

"Yeah."

We were quiet for a few minutes, or maybe hours. I knew we were both thinking about how Anna's grave was right behind us and catching up. How we couldn't ignore it for much longer because Jesse and I both had jobs and this weekend was the only free time we had.

"Look, Jesse, I-"

Jesse stared back at me hard, cutting me off. "Maybe we should just go home."

I gawked at him. That wasn't what I was asking at all.

But then something shiny glinted in Jesse's eye. A single tear leaked from his eye, and he turned his head so I couldn't see. He was crying.

A little piece of my heart broke. I hated seeing Jesse cry. I'd seen Mom cry before, and even Dad when he thought nobody was looking, but I couldn't watch Jesse- my older brother, my rock- cry. And if Jesse could pick me up off the ground on a daily basis, the least I could do was help him just this once.

"Jesse." I planted my feet firmly against the ground.

Jesse took a deep breath, sniffling weakly. "Kate, let's go home. I'm taking you home." He reached out to grab my shoulder and whisk me away, but I caught his wrist and held him fast. I knew he could take me down any day, but he didn't struggle. All the fight had gone out of him.

"Jesse. Listen to me. I am not going home, and you aren't either. I'm not going to hand you a get-out-of-jail-free pass after we've come so far." I paused for a moment, long enough to breathe but not long enough for Jesse to interrupt. "I know you're scared to do this. I am, too. You know what I am scared of? I'm scared that if I _do _do this, I'll lose Anna's memory forever."

Jesse's brown eyes met mine. I continued shakily.

"But you and I should both know that that is just a silly fear. Because no one could forget someone like Anna. Stay with me, Jesse, we're going to do this together."

There was a hushed silence, and then a quiet sigh. I don't know who sighed, but it didn't sound like Jesse and it didn't sound like me. The modest presence of Anna laced around Jesse and me. She was here, watching us, I think.

Gently, I took Jesse's hand and led him to the gravestone. We sat down slowly, pretzel-style, in front of it. I thought in the back of my mind that this was the opportunity to say something really great and moving, but I didn't. I realized that Anna wouldn't want some big, elaborate speech. Anna would have hated to make us go to any trouble for her benefit. Instead, we sat and we thought and we mourned.

And as we sat mourning, the grief fluttered away in the breeze bit by bit. Pictures of Anna, little flashes of memories, came back to me- her first double-digit birthday, her first crush, the last time she donated her bone marrow to me. The sadness I had when I thought about these times was gone.

This was what moving on felt like.

___

_Another chapter done! I hope you like this one! Please comment on it, I need feedback. Remember, NO MEAN COMMENTS! Only nice, helpful comments, please. Thanks!_

_I promise I'll start on the next chapter right away!_

_-girlnextdoor14_


	10. Chapter 10

Kate:

I woke up in the backseat of Jesse's Ford.

"Anna," I mumbled. My voice was garbled from sleep, making everything I said sound like nonsense. I sighed wearily and plunked my head down on the armrest, feeling woozy. It was like my brain was stuffed with cotton.

Finally my mind cleared. It was dark outside. Somewhere in the back of my head, it realized that I didn't remember ever leaving the cemetery. I must have fallen asleep on Anna's grave, and Jesse carried me to his car. Was it just me, or did falling asleep in a graveyard sound like a small crime?

I mustered enough energy to haul myself into a sitting position. The hazy glow of a motel sign cast enough light onto the seats so I could see. With a yawn, I leaned forward, expecting to see Jesse hunched over the steering wheel. When I noticed the driver's seat was empty, I began to feel panicked. Had my own brother abandoned me?

Very suddenly, the front door flew open. My pulse skyrocketed. I screamed loudly and curled into a protective ball in the corner.

"Kate?"

I unwound myself a little. "Jesse?"

"Kate, are you okay?" Jesse's voice pierced the quiet. "Do you feel sick?"

"No, no, that's okay," I said quickly, stretching my limbs. I smiled weakly for proof, but I wasn't sure Jesse could see anything in the dark.

Jesse crawled into his seat and turned around to face me. "Then what's wrong?"

"I just woke up and you weren't there," I said.

"Oh." Jesse was quiet for a moment. I swallowed audibly, and he reached out to stroke my cheek. "I'm sorry, sis. You know I wouldn't just leave you here."

I nodded, staring down at my lap sheepishly. "I know."

Jesse grinned at me. "Well, anyway," he said, "I brought us something to eat." He held up a bag of donuts and two cups of coffee proudly. "I know it's not top-quality, but. . ."

My eyes started to water, and so did my mouth. Now, in the backseat of my brother's car, Jesse's kindness was what I needed most in the world. I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck briefly. "Thanks, Jess."

I climbed into the passenger seat. We ate in silence. The donuts, though sweet, were too dry and coated my throat with flaky crumbs. I tried not to cough as I drank down the bitter coffee. It wasn't exactly the best dinner I'd ever had, but I didn't want to complain.

Jesse choked down a bite of powdered donut and wheezed. "This is disgusting," he said, glaring down at the donut. "Even the hospital served better food than this."

I giggled a little before I could stop myself.

Jesse raised his eyebrows at me. "You think that's funny?"

I giggled again. "Yes, I think that's funny!" A heavy chuckle bubbled up my throat, and soon I was laughing hysterically.

Jesse stared at me like I'd just grown a beard. "What have you been snorting?" he asked, but he was laughing too. We fell on top of each other, our chests rising up and down as we gasped for breath. Nothing was particularly funny, really. I guess we just needed a good laugh.

After a few minutes, when we had finally gotten control of ourselves, I slumped back and laid my head against the headrest. Just as my eyes began to close, heavy with exhaustion, Jesse said, "Oh no, you don't. I just paid big money for a motel room and you're going to use it."

My eyes popped open. "You got me a motel room?" I felt a grin grow on my face.

"Correction: I got _one_ motel room for _both_ of us." Jesse patted my shoulder and smiled mischievously "It's only got one bed, so you're gonna have to sleep on the floor."

I frowned at him.

"Hey, I'm kidding!" Jesse held up his hands innocently. "You have the bed, I'll sleep on a chair or something. Sound good?"

"As long as it has a mini bar," I said.

Jesse reached up to ruffle my hair, then quickly withdrew it when he remembered it was gone. We both tried not to blush. Instead, he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me out of the car. Throwing me over his shoulder, like he used to do to Anna when she was little, he ran to the lobby.

I pounded his back with my fists. "Put me down, you monkey!" I yelled. "Or face my wrath!"

Jesse laughed and held me tight as I wriggled in his grasp. "Oh, I'm _so_ scared," he said sarcastically, but a moment later he set me down.

I smoothed my clothes as he got the keys. Jesse held my hand in his brotherly way as he led me to the room. Actually, he was more likely dragging me behind him than holding my hand. I felt as weak as I did after a round of chemo.

Jesse opened the door to the motel room and turned on the lights, revealing a plain white room with a plain white bed pushed in the corner. I walked over to the bed and sat down. It barely sank under my weight.

"It's nice," I said, blinking at Jesse. "Thank you."

Jesse nodded and collapsed in the blue armchair in the opposite corner. "No prob." He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, inhaling a lungful of dust. A moment later he opened his eyes and stared at me. "Well?" he asked.

"I don't have any pajamas."

Jesse rolled his eyes. "Me neither. Just sleep in your clothes."

"You're kidding."

Jesse smiled, like I was an amusing side-show act. "Does this face look like it's kidding?" he said, pointing to his rendering of a no-nonsense expression.

I smiled back, and Jesse closed his eyes again.

A minute later he started to snore. His face was peaceful when he slept. I suddenly felt like I was intruding on his privacy and turned my back to him.

There was a picture hanging on the wall above the bed. My eyes fed hungrily on the picture. It was a print of an ocean storm. Waves curled and bowed to the black sky, frothing madly. Angry clouds billowed on the horizon. If you looked closely, you could just make out the faint outline of a little sailboat, dwarfed by the waves.

I felt an odd sense of camaraderie with the sailboat. I knew what it was like to be caught in the middle of a storm with no way out. I knew what it felt like to be lost. It was scary to feel so alone.

I hazarded a quick glance at the sleeping Jesse. He was my only lifeline.

___

_Hey! Thanks to everyone who commented. Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've been really busy. I promise to update as soon as I can._

_Please, if you've read my story, add a comment. It takes less than a minute to say something constructive and helpful. I'd appreciate it so much! Thanks in advance!_

_-girlnextdoor14_


	11. Chapter 11

Kate:

The sun blinked through the shades the next morning, shaking me out of my fitful sleep. I groaned and covered my eyes. Looking down, I realized I had never taken off my shoes before bed. I kicked them off, and one flew across the room, hitting something with a resounding_ thwack!_

"Ouch!" Jesse yelled. He walked into the room with my sneaker in hand. "This something of yours?"

I shook the sleepiness off and grinned apologetically. "Did I hit you?"

"In the face." Jesse threw the shoe at me, which I caught before it smacked my stomach.

"Bullseye!" I said.

Jesse rolled his eyes and sat down next to me on the bed. He yawned, stretching and arching his back like a cat's. "Sleep well?"

"Obviously you didn't," I said. I gingerly rubbed my temple with my fingertips. "Actually, I had a series of weird dreams involving many embarrassing situations at Julia and Campbell's wedding."

Jesse thumped my back knowingly. "Make that two of us," he said.

I smiled.

"So," Jesse said, "want breakfast or something? They serve continental breakfast in the lobby. The coffee sucks, but the sweet rolls aren't so bad. It's free, so no harm."

My stomach churned, remembering the stale donuts of last night. "Uh, no thanks," I said simply.

Jesse shrugged. He stood up and paced around the room once before asking, "What's our agenda for today? I could always shave my head, so we match."

I rolled my eyes at his lame attempt at humor. "Um. . .I was thinking of going back to my hospital." I bit the insides of my cheeks. "I mean, if you're okay with that."

Jesse appraised me from the corner of his eyes. "You want to?"

"Not really," I said. "But if I only did what I wanted, I'd probably be dead by now."

Jesse got quiet and stared at his feet. For a boy who grew up around sickness, he had a hard time with death. Not me. I'd wanted to die, and with so many close calls, I had no trouble talking about it.

"All right. Put on your shoes, you can't go to a hospital in your bare feet."

___

Jesse walked me to the front entrance of the old hospital. I hesitated before walking in, partly because I knew Jesse didn't want to come in with me. I didn't blame him- hospitals are not friendly places. "You don't have to come," I said without looking back at him.

I watched his reflection on the glass doors as he shook his head. "It's the least I can do," he replied, in a voice that was soft but firm. He smiled thinly and ruffled his hair. "Ready when you are."

I lifted up my arms and jokingly sniffed my armpits. "Ready," I said.

Jesse grinned in spite of himself, and I walked inside.

The walls and floors were a blinding white. I blinked a couple times, my eyes adjusting to the brightness. I'd almost forgotten how sterile hospitals looked.

Jesse nervously cleared his throat behind me. I realized with a start that I'd been tuning out, and turned around with a reassuring smile. "Come on," I said, beckoning.

We walked past the receptionist's desk and boarded an elevator. There was no annoying elevator music crackling over a speaker; just silence. The light was dim, and cast shadows onto our faces, making us look sinister. I scooted close to Jesse for comfort, although I had a hunch that he was more scared than I was.

The elevator doors opened after a couple floors, and a nurse pushed a gaunt old man in on a wheelchair. I examined his face, webbed with wrinkles. The shadows on his face made him look thousands of years old. From the way his bony chest heaved, it was obvious he was very sick. He'd probably die soon- in a month? In a week? Maybe tomorrow.

The man lifted his head with an audible creak and smiled at Jesse and me, his jowls quivering. I smiled back and wondered if he knew he was going to die.

As soon as the doors opened, Jesse marched out, obviously overwhelmed. Under the fluorescent lighting, I noticed that his face looked slightly green, and said quickly, "Look, Jess, if you don't want to stay, I can handle this by myself."

Jesse shook his head stubbornly. "Drop it, Kate." His voice was sharp.

I swallowed, feeling mean and pushy. "Okay." I took his hand in mine and gently walked him to the cancer ward.

We walked past dozens of rooms, trying not to hear what was going on inside of them. Jesse winced every time he heard a chemo patient retch. The sounds brought back plenty of unpleasant memories from our childhoods.

"I know where I'm going," I told Jesse.

"I didn't say anything."

"You were thinking it," I replied. I squeezed Jesse's hand, letting him know I was with him every step. He squeezed back.

I stopped in front of an empty room. I had the room number memorized, and the picture of it in my mind, but it was different seeing it actually in front of me. I breathed in the smell of the hospital disinfectant , which made me cough. I glanced around to make sure the coast was clear before leading Jesse inside. The room was dark with the lights out and the blinds down. Without thinking, I walked over and sat down on the bed.

"Kate?" Jesse whispered. "What are we doing in here?"

"What do you _think_ we're doing?" I replied. I was surprised to hear how pinched and tired my voice had become.

"I don't know. We might get in trouble. I don't think you're allowed into empty rooms."

Suddenly, I was annoyed. Jesse spent the majority of his life burning down old buildings, drinking booze, and getting high. Why was he so afraid of breaking a couple rules now?

"Kate."

I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I just. . .this was Taylor's old room."

"Taylor?" Jesse asked, genuinely confused. He hadn't kept up-to-date on my old life.

"Taylor, my dead boyfriend," I explained quietly.

Even in the dark, I saw Jesse's face contort with pity. He shuffled his feet awkwardly, and I could tell how much he wanted to come and put an arm around me. Instead, I did it for him. The scratchy linen cot squeaked as I lifted my weight off it and threw my arms around Jesse. But the embrace wasn't comforting, and we let go of each other a moment later.

"I'm sorry, Jesse."

"That's okay," he said. "I wanted to come with you, for my own benefit, too."

"This isn't helping. I thought this would make it all better. I thought I'd feel some cosmic connection with Taylor or something mystical like that, but I don't feel anything. I just want to feel something other than emptiness." I sighed, and even that sounded hollow. "I miss him. He was a really great guy, Jesse."

Jesse laughed humorlessly. "I know."

___

_Another chapter done! Phew! I'm sorry, this probably isn't the most exciting chapter, but I felt pressured to put one out as soon as possible. Anyway, please comment! Helpful tips would be most appreciated! _

_Thanks to all my fans! I love you guys!_

_-girlnextdoor14_


	12. Chapter 12

Kate:

I couldn't breathe. My heart was thumping madly, and I was more nervous than I had been when I was sick and dying and in the hospital.

Jesse waited in their driveway, watching me carefully through the windshield, waiting for me to show some sign of life. I had been standing on the Ambrose's front step for a solid ten minutes, trying to work up the nerve to ring the doorbell.

Jesse and I had worked out the Ambrose's address after we visited the hospital. I didn't know how he managed to find it, but I suspected that Mom had been keeping in touch with them in secret, and I knew how good he was at prying information out of thin air.

The door to Jesse's Ford clicked open. "Kate," he yell-whispered, so only I could hear, "ring the doorbell and get it over with!"

I swallowed and took a shaky breath, saying nothing. I couldn't open my mouth without dissolving into a flurry of tears.

Jesse sighed and said, "Well, if you don't ring the bell in five minutes, I'm dragging you home. You hear me? Five minutes. No ifs, ands, or buts about it." The door to his Ford clicked shut again, sealing the deal.

I wouldn't have minded going home now, as long as it meant I wouldn't have to do this. I didn't know how I'd managed to talk myself into such a scheme. But I couldn't stop now, and let Jesse down, let myself down, let everyone down. I'd passed the point of no return a hundred miles ago.

So, taking a gulp of the flowery suburban air, I rang the doorbell.

Only a moment later, the door swung open. I squeezed my eyes shut, a few choice swear words coming to mind. I willed myself to turn invisible. Facing Taylor's parents was by far the dumbest thing I'd done on this road trip.

"Hello?" a thin voice asked.

I opened my eyes. A frail woman with light, sandy brown hair combed into a clip stood hunched in front of me. _Taylor's mother._

"Uh. . .duh- I. . ." I said stupidly.

The woman shot me a dirty look, like I was a rebel teenager out to ruin her peace, and started to shut the door in my face.

"Wait!" I cried desperately.

Mrs. Ambrose opened the door a little farther. "Excuse me?" she said flatly, a cautious tone to her voice.

"Uh, Mrs. Ambrose, right?" I asked, offering her a weak smile.

The woman nodded.

I smiled a little bigger and held out my hand. "Hi, Mrs. Ambrose. I'm, uh, Kate. Kate Fitzgerald?"

Mrs. Ambrose frowned at me, and I dropped my hand, feeling my pulse hike slightly. Did she know who I was? Suddenly I wondered if Taylor had ever bothered to mention me at all, and felt annoyed. I was important enough to at least mention casually over dinner.

"Kate Fitzgerald?" I tried again. "I knew your son, Taylor? We were. . .friends."

"I know who you are," Mrs. Ambrose said sharply. There was such an edge to her comment that I couldn't help but flinch.

"Oh," I said. My heart sank, and I wanted to slap myself. What kind of reunion had I been imagining? Did I expect them to welcome me with open arms, to cry and want to adopt me? They probably hated me for never coming to Taylor's funeral.

"What did you want?" Mrs. Ambrose asked bluntly.

"I. . .I just wanted to meet you. I've been thinking about Taylor a lot recently, and. . ." I trailed off, shrugging helplessly. I considered running to Jesse's truck and driving away.

Oddly, Mrs. Ambrose smiled. It was a heavy, cheerless smile, but it was a smile nonetheless. She opened the door a bit wider. "Would you like to come in?"

"Uh. . ." I peered into the doorway. The house was dark inside, which didn't exactly spell inviting. If Anna had been here, she would've cracked jokes about the lady being an ax-murderer or a serial killer.

But she would've wanted me to go in anyway, regardless of how creepy the house was. And if I had been dead instead of Taylor, I would want him to go in, too. I couldn't walk away from this without losing a big chunk of me.

Mrs. Ambrose pushed the door open wide, and I walked inside with a smile.

___

_Almost done with my story, guys! A little suspense at the end of this chapter, I hope. The next chapter is on its way, don't worry!_

_Again, I plead for some comments! All I'm asking for is a minute- no, less than a minute- of your time to say something constructive and helpful! Thanks to everyone who reads and comments on my story!_

_-girlnextdoor14_


	13. Chapter 13

Kate:

Mrs. Ambrose sat me down on a stuffed armchair in her dark living room. I glanced around while she fussed in the kitchen, making tea and arranging crackers in a pattern on a platter. There was nothing signifying that the Ambroses ever had a kid, not a photo or framed report card from fourth grade. In fact, every wall was bare, every room furnished as sparingly as possible.

With a pang, I thought of my own home. After Anna died, Mom had torn down all the photos, even the ones of me or Jesse, because it was all too painful to see. The pictures we did have of us were taken when I was in remission. In our house, pictures were more of an obligation we felt we had to perform. Mrs. Ambrose was still grieving, I realized.

"I hope you drink your tea without sugar," Mrs. Ambrose said quietly, interrupting my thoughts. She trotted in with a tray balancing at least two cups of tea and about five different types of small tea cakes.

"I love tea without sugar," I lied, picking up a china saucer and cup. I had never tried tea before, and after taking a sip of the bitter drink, I would never pick up another cup again. I drummed my fingers against the china, shuffling through various conversation-starters.

"Taylor hated tea," Mrs. Ambrose said, very suddenly and loudly.

I coughed on my tea for a solid minute. "Oh," I uttered when I could breathe again. "Wow." _Really clever, Kate. Mrs. Ambrose will be glad to know her son dated a ditz._

"I'm sorry," Mrs. Ambrose said, sounding rather ashamed. "I thought you came here to talk about Taylor."

I smiled apologetically. "I did," I mumbled, embarrassed. "I just didn't expect _you_ to be willing to talk about him. No offense, I mean, if that sounds kind of rude." I laughed nervously, wishing I knew when to shut up.

Mrs. Ambrose smiled ruefully. "No offense taken," she said.

Everything was quiet, except for the sound of the far-off ticking of a clock and me hastily slurping up tea.

"So," I said finally, "did Taylor ever mention me at all? Just. . .casually? At all?"

Mrs. Ambrose pursed her lined lips, thinking. "Yes, he did. Not often, just occasionally, when he went out to meet you at the hospital, or at the movie theater."

I nodded and set my cup down carefully. "Oh." I picked the cup up again, fiddling. "Did he ever mention we were. . .dating?"

Mrs. Ambrose blushed bright red, bright enough so that I could see it through the darkness. I blushed too. "Well. . ." she began slowly, "he didn't exactly say it out loud. . .but Mr. Ambrose and I knew."

I gulped.

"Actually, Taylor kept a journal, and after he. . .after he- you know. . .well, Mr. Ambrose and I read it." Mrs. Ambrose smiled sheepishly. She reached over and patted my knee reassuringly. "He wrote some very nice things about you in his journal. All about how you were brave through your chemotherapy, and very supportive."

"Oh," I said, which was the only word I could say right then. _Well, at least he didn't write inappropriate,_ I thought to myself lamely.

Without warning, Mrs. Ambrose burst into tears. Beads of salty water condensed on her wool sweater. "I'm sorry," she said in between sniffles, "I just can't talk about Taylor without feeling becoming a sad mess."

I dropped my teacup and flailed my arms around a couple times, feeling helpless. What could I do? Mrs. Ambrose's thin chest wracked with sobs, and her frazzled, sandy brown hair fell out of its clip to fall in her face.

After a moment, I put an arm around her and patted her shoulder. "It's okay," I whispered, brushing a few kinked strands of hair behind her ear. "It's okay."

Mrs. Ambrose leaned into me and cried for a good long time. Her tears soaked through my thin T-shirt, the salt sticking to the pale skin of my shoulder. I had to twist my body awkwardly to put an arm around her, but I sat still as a stone.

Finally, when Mrs. Ambrose had cried out every tear in her body, she sat up straight and combed her hair back, trying to pull herself together. She looked at me, and I couldn't help but notice her eyes. Her wide brown eyes, raw with grief, were just like Taylor's. Not just in color, but teeming with earnestness, and deeper, melancholy.

I looked away. I couldn't look into her eyes without thinking of Taylor and missing him with every cell in my body. Instead, I patted Mrs. Ambrose's shoulder for the hundredth time and said, "It's okay to miss him, you know."

"I know that," Mrs. Ambrose said a little too quickly.

"But it's not okay to let your grief fill up your life and take over," I replied. As I said it, I knew it was true. I had let that happen to me, and worse, I was letting it happen to my family. The least I could do was set Mrs. Ambrose on the right track.

Mrs. Ambrose smiled weakly. "Thank you," she mouthed. Then she stood up and left the room without so much as an excuse.

"Um. . .Mrs. Ambrose?" I called after her. There was no answer. I sat, confused. What was I supposed to do now? Did she want me to leave? Or was I supposed to stay? I wriggled impatiently in my seat. I didn't want to stay here all day. I'd probably annoyed Jesse by staying for so long, and Jesse knew how to hold a grudge, when he wanted to.

A minute later, Mrs. Ambrose walked in with a small book in her hand. "I want you to have this," she said, "for making my son so happy. And for putting up with my hysterics a moment ago, of course."

She held out the book, and I took it. On the cover it read, _Taylor Ambrose's Journal- Keep Out!_

I swallowed the lump in my throat, not sure if I wanted to have it. Taylor was dead, but I was pretty sure he wouldn't want me to read his private thoughts. But, taking one look at Mrs. Ambrose and her earnest eyes, I knew I couldn't refuse. So I smiled politely and, giving Mrs. Ambrose a quick hug, left.

Jesse honked the horn as I slipped into the Ford. "Come on, the train is leaving the station," he said. "Got money for a ticket?"

I ignored him and stared down at the cover of Taylor's journal in my lap.

Jesse caught sight of the notebook and leaned forward to see it. "Whoa," he said, squinting at the cover. He glanced up at me curiously. "The Ambroses gave that to you?"

I nodded.

"Well, are you gonna read it?"

I ran my spidery fingers along the cover and spine of the journal. After being stuck in a hospital bed for most of my life, I had developed a talent for searching out gossip- that's why Anna never kept a diary. But now, holding Taylor's thoughts and feelings in my hands, I didn't know what I was supposed to do with it. "I don't know," I said.

Jesse rested his hand on my forearm gently before starting the engine and diving toward home. It was only a brief touch, but it soothed me, and I allowed myself to feel the closure for the first time since starting the road trip.

___

_Wow, I can't believe how close I am to finishing this story! Almost done, guys! Please read and review!_

_-girlnextdoor14_


	14. Chapter 14

Kate:

I didn't know we were home until Jesse pulled his Ford into the driveway of my house. The whole ride home, I had been in a dream-like state. My eyes never left Taylor's journal in my lap. I probably didn't even blink.

"Home sweet home!" Jesse sang with a wistful sigh. "Come on, Kate. Let's go say hi to Mom and Pop."

One by one, my senses jumped back to life, until the dreamy, floaty feeling disappeared and I was myself again, sitting shotgun in Jesse's truck. I shook the last of my drowsiness off and fumbled with my seat belt.

Apparently, not all my senses had awakened yet. As I slipped out of the car, my knees gave way. Flailing, I stumbled a couple feet, swaying like a limp banana peel.

Jesse was at my side in a snap, catching me before I hit the ground. He hoisted me up, his hands secure under my armpits. "Kate!" he said cautiously. "You just fell."

I stood up and brushed off my jeans coldly. "I know," I said, rolling my eyes. "Cancer doesn't give you short-term memory loss."

Jesse blushed and opened his mouth a couple times like a fish, trying to think of something to say. "I just- I thought maybe you were. . ." he mumbled. "Never mind. I'm just worried about you."

I raised my eyebrows. "Why would you be worried about me?"

Jesse glanced up at me sheepishly. He shuffled his feet.

"You don't have to worry about me," I said, edging forward a step.

Jesse pursed his lips.

I folded my arms and planted my feet wide, waiting.

Jesse grinned, rather embarrassed. "Yeah, I can see that now. I'm sorry. Shouldn't have worried about you, Kate. You kept fighting." He stole a look at the front door, just yards away from us. "I think. . . I guess we should be worrying about Mom and Dad."

"You think? Maybe we should take another road trip. . .?" I suggested with a grin.

Jesse reached over to slug me in the arm and led me inside.

___

Mom was standing at the sink, washing the dishes, which seemed to be her new favorite hobby. She glanced up and gasped when she saw Jesse and me standing in the doorway. For a minute, she was frozen. Then she dropped her dish towel and ran forward, her arms spread wide in a hug. She hummed little mother sounds as she threw her arms around Jesse and rocked him back and forth. I smiled, noting the embarrassed look on his face.

A century later, Mom let go of Jesse and held him at arm's length. "You scared me!" she said sternly, effortlessly working the strict-parent act. "Don't sneak up on your mother like that! You'll give me a heart attack-- is that what you want?"

Jesse waved it off. "Is that all you have to say to me?" he said, pretending to sound hurt.

Mom swatted him playfully in the arm just as Dad walked in.

"Jesse! How are you, champ?" he said, pounding Jesse on the back. Jesse pounded him back even harder. They pounded each other and high-fived for a few minutes like they were communicating through some secret guy-language. Mom watched with a silly grin on her face.

I had almost forgotten I was there, almost believing that I was just a little spirit wafting through walls and happening to pass by this scene. I was jolted back into reality when Mom hugged me tight.

I fluttered my hands at my sides, unsure for a moment. Then I reached up and patted Mom's shoulder.

Mom pulled away and smiled at me, eyes watery. "I missed you, Kate," she said softly. Her eyes flitted to my bald head and widened in shock.

"Surprise," I said.

Mom opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again. After a moment, she said, "Why did you do that?"

My mouth pulled into a smile around the corners, but I was more exhausted than amused. I was tired of answering questions. "I thought it would annoy you the most," I said finally, and flashed a wry smile.

Mom's shoulders sagged. "I was just getting used to your hair again," she said. "You should have told me you were getting a shave. I wish I could've saved a strand or two."

I reached into my pocket and pulled out one golden curl. Holding it up to the light, I said, "I knew you'd say that. I asked the stylist to save some before she shaved it all off." I cupped Mom's hand in mine and pressed the lock into her palm. "It's for you. I didn't have time to buy a souvenir, so that's your surprise gift. I thought maybe you could put it in a scrapbook."

Jesse appeared at Mom's side and peered over her shoulder. "Whoa," he said, gawking at the lock of hair. He looked up at me. "'My daughter went on a road trip and all I got was a strand of hair'?"

I shrugged.

Jesse pretended to pout. "I didn't get one," he grumbled. "Not fair, Kate. I guess I'll just have to return that Gucci purse I bought you." He grinned.

Mom wrapped her arms around me in a fleeting hug. "That was very thoughtful of you, Kate. Thank you." She opened up her apron pocket and dropped it in carefully.

Everyone was quiet for a moment. The awkward silences would never change, I guess.

Finally, Jesse glanced at his watch. "Wow, it's getting kind of late. I really should get going. I need to swing by the grocery store on the way back, and you know how long that can take." He bent down swiftly to plant a kiss on Mom's cheek, but she pushed him away.

"We've got plenty of food here," Mom said. "Stay with us tonight. At least until after dinner. You're never too old to spend time with your family."

Jesse straightened up and looked at me.

I locked eyes with him, sending him a psychic message which I hope sounded like, _Stay for dinner or you'll never hear the end of this. _He couldn't just abandon me after what we'd been through together.

And he didn't. After a good 30 seconds of staring contest, he nodded slowly and smiled at Mom. My brother had my back.

Jesse grinned and wrapped his arms around Mom's and my shoulders. "All right. Dinner it is. I hope you're making me something special. . ." he teased as he led us to the kitchen.

___

"Kate," Jesse said as he threw down his napkin, "remind me never to eat your cooking again."

I rolled my eyes. "Why?" As I glanced around the table, I saw that everyone's plates were empty.

"Because it's so good, I'll never stop eating. Where did you learn to cook Italian?" He rubbed his belly gingerly. "I swear, my stomach's about to pop. You must have it in for me."

"I'm glad you like it," I said, standing up and taking my plate to the sink. "Because I expect payment."

Mom, Dad, and Jesse laughed. I turned away from them so they couldn't see my smile. It felt great to laugh without guilt.

Anna was no longer the first thing on my mind anymore. I still thought about her a lot, and it still hurt, but there was a light at the end of the tunnel that I was just now beginning to notice. I was going to keep living.

Still, something was nagging me. It wouldn't be over until I got it over with.

Quietly, I excused myself, leaving everyone laughing at something Jesse had said, and slipped back into the front hall. Taylor's journal was propped against the stairway where I'd left it. I scooped it up and sat down on the first step.

There was a blue sticky note peeking out from the top of the notebook that read, _Kate- this is a __good place to begin. -Mrs. Ambrose._

I smiled.

Shaking, I flipped open to the marked page. Some last-minute thoughts raced through my head: should I be reading this? Would Taylor approve? Does reading someone else's journal send you straight to hell?

"Kate," someone whispered.

I jumped five feet in the air, not sure if I should feel guilty or not. "Jesse?"

He sat down next to me. "Taylor's journal. You decided to read it?"

I chewed the insides of my cheek. "I don't know yet." I sniffed, thoughtful. "Does this cancel out my Get-Into-Heaven-Free coupon?"

Jesse nudged me with his shoulder. "You're a good person, Kate. You're kind. You made it through cancer. I think that entitles you to something crazy just this once."

I sniffed again, then relaxed my shoulders. Damn it, I was going to read Taylor's journal. If I was condemned to hell, oh well. As a teenager, I'd never gotten to do anything reckless. Here was my chance.

I took a deep breath, flipped to the marked page, and started reading.

_Dear Journal,_

_I met this girl today. . . _

_____

_That's all, folks! Last chapter. I sure hope you guys liked my story. I know I had so much fun writing it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of my readers-- to those who commented, I loved reading your feedback. Your comments encouraged me to keep going. I hope you all stay tuned for more of my stories! Bless you!_

_-girlnextdoor14  
_


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